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Ah, Friday. And what a lovely, crisp Friday it is. I�ve got a serious case of the unable-to-sit-stills and the prone-to-sudden-nervous-giggles today. Why, you ask? Well, read on�
After my "woe is me" entry on the state of my creative affairs the other day, I went home in a funk. I was feeling sorry for myself. Or, if not sorry, exactly, then definitely dissatisfied.
Every parent-teacher evaluation my mom and dad ever attended in my K-12 years ended with the same "Jennifer is an incredibly intelligent and talented girl, but she just doesn�t apply herself" speech. The classic underachiever.
Post-high school, I was a matriculated student at two different institutes for higher learning. First, I spent a year at a very small Christian school I really hated. In its defense, I hated everything that year. The school could have been Jennifer University, and I still would have flunked out. When I left, my GPA was a 0.067. Yikes! Then I spent a total of four quarters at Northeastern. Some of it I really liked. Some of it I even passed. Then my parents split up and I stopped going to class. Thus ended my "real student" career.
Since then, I�ve taken a few classes through different continuing education programs. I�ve aced all of them without trying too hard, but nothing has given me that go-back-to-school-and-finish-my-degree bug.
Yesterday, I walked into my apartment after yet another day of hospital administration excitement to find a flyer from the Emerson College Continuing Education program sitting on my coffee table. The flyer explained in detail the adult degree program the school has set up, which offers a BFA in Creative Writing. The program allows matriculated students to take as little as three classes per year but still be working toward a degree. Classes are scheduled on nights or weekends, in a location easily accessible to my house. I could potentially place out of some core classes using job/life experience as a springboard, and most, if not all, of my Northeastern and random other school credits would transfer in. It�s like someone said, "Okay, it�s time to create Jennifer University."
Except that I�m scared to death of the thought of going back to school.
Because�what if I fail? Again. I�m not sure how I�d handle that.
Of course, I�ve already called the school and set up an appointment to meet with an advisor to talk about what would transfer and what it would take to have me walk across the stage in a purple gown and earn the right to say I have a college degree. But I�m still scared.
My dad told me once that it was his biggest hope in life to see me graduate before he died. Unfortunately, a heart attack in 1992 killed him and that pipe dream in one blow. Other than the residual guilt, nothing has ever made me want the piece of paper that badly. And yet�Here I am, thinking about it again. Maybe it�s just the names of the classes. The thought of three hours a week to sit and discuss American woman authors seems like a luxury to me. I just�
How do I know that this time I want it bad enough? I don�t. And we�re talking an awful lot of money here, people.
So, anyway�
In a fit of self-empowerment this morning, I bought a computer. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, really, and I can�t believe yet that I did it. But I got notice from Apple just a little while ago that the boxes are on the way.
I ended up on the Apple Store website this morning in a weak, self-indulgent moment ("If I�m gonna be a college student, I�m gonna need a computer."). I love Macs, and have been coveting the iMac for a long, long time. So I started clicking around, putting together my dream computer (doesn�t take much�as long as it has internet capapbilities and a word processor, I�m pretty much fine). The cost came to a little over $2 grand. There was this funky little button on the bottom that said "Click here to find out how you could own this computer for $47 a month!" So I clicked there, and read all the info about the Apple Loan program. I filled out the application, never in a million years thinking they�d approve me for the loan. I have terrible, terrible credit. I mean, really bad credit. Ugly credit. But apparently, this isn�t a computer-buying limitation, because they approved me for a $2,300 loan in about 15 seconds. Next thing I knew, I had filled out all the stuff, and the iMac is on its way to my house. I was like a woman possessed. I still can�t believe I did it.
Is this the start of something really good, or am I fooling myself.
I really think that I hadn�t started keeping this journal, I never would have done either of those things today�bought the computer or called about the program. Like I said, I�m feeling empowered.
On a different note, I got the best email today from another journal-keeper on the site. I read his and emailed him, then he answered me, and now we�ve been talking about journal keeping, and writing in general. I�m putting this in here �cause I want him to know that I really appreciated his kind words. What a rush to know that someone else actually saw something good in what I had to say. I guess the lesson here is that if someone makes you laugh or cry or nod your head in agreement, you should let them know. It�s nice to get the evidence that you aren�t just totally writing to yourself.
Time to head home. Rest easy, journal, until Monday.
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