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The Artboy is home. I checked my email when I got back from our Friday morning meeting and found his message in my inbox.
It�s rather maddening, actually. He didn�t mention anything at all about what I�ve said to him, except to thank me for the New Year�s well wishes, and to confirm that this year was much better than last. He said, "It�s always better when you have someone to kiss at Midnight."
Aye, there�s the rub. It was his not kissing me at Midnight that doomed us in the first place.
Although, I don�t really believe that.
I�ve been reading through the diary pages of someone else on Diaryland. I won�t supply a link, because it�s a password-protected site, and the goods to get in were given to me by the writer in confidence, and I wouldn�t be a very good D-lander if I gave that up. I will say, though, that in reading all of his observations about life and love, I�m feeling a little uncomfortable in my chair.
I love the Boyfriend.
Not sure, then, why I�m in touch with the Artboy like this.
I�ve been�examining my motives, I guess, and I can�t say that I like them very much.
It�s like I�m playing Truth or Dare with my love life. And the truth is, I don�t want to go back to where the Artboy and I were before, and I don�t believe that things between us would ever be any different. That�s why I walked away in the final place. It wasn�t ever going to get any better.
But the dare is in waving myself in front of him. "You said you�d love me forever. So what are you gonna do now?" And logically, I don�t want him to do anything.
But there�s that little piece inside me, the very proud piece, the self-destructive piece, the piece that waited for him for so long, despite the hatchet job he did on my self esteem, that wants him to do something.
It�s like I somehow believe that if he doesn�t do something now, it invalidates what we had before.
Not that I�m sure what difference that makes.
Shut the fuck up, Jennifer. It�s just not worth it.
Why play with fire?
I need to be done with this for now, I think. I�m not sure I was ready to talk to the Artboy.
*****
Betsy, the Boyfriend�s mom, called me a little while ago. She invited me to come to her house on Thursday. A woman she knows is coming over to do a tarot reading night. I�ve never had my cards read before. I�m intrigued, but a little frightened.
My mom is freaked. She doesn�t want me to go. She has this solid belief that you shouldn�t play with things like that.
Of course, I�m going to go anyway. Betsy promised that the woman only gives positive readings. That she either blocks or just doesn�t report out the bad stuff. She also told me that the woman "saw" me coming into the Boyfriend�s life a long time ago�even saw our breaking up and coming back together.
Weird.
I�ll give a full report next Friday.
*****
So I�m on my way to my Nana�s tonight. She, my mom and I are going to a distant relative�s funeral tomorrow morning. Doris died Monday. She was 97�a bitter old biddy right to the end. It means a lot to my grandmother that we go, though, and it�s awfully hard to say no to her these days, so�off I go.
Have a good weekend, Diaryland.
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