Sponsor me in the 2005 MS Walk! Why? Read here.
Picture in the paper mix 11/9/02:
Dance, MF, Dance/The Violent Femmes; That's Just What You Are/Aimee Mann; #1 Crush/Garbage; Pretty Piece of Flesh/One Inch Punch; Talk Show Host/Radiohead; Baby Did a Bad Bad Thhing/Chris Isaak; Name/Goo Goo Dolls; New Year's Prayer/Jeff Buckley; If I can't Change Your Mind (Solo mix)/Sugar; Trigger Happy Jack/Poe; sk8r b0i/Avril Lavigne; Human Behavior/Bjork; I Want Your (Hands on Me)/Sinead O'Connor; Sweetest Thing/US; Bellbottoms/John Spencere Blues Explosion; Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space/Spiritualized; Jenifa Taught Me/De La Soul
Yesterday was Erica's birthday tea. I spent most of the day at her mom's with her and a few other people, some of whom I only see this one day each year. It's always a good day. The party started at 2. I got home at 11. Not unusual.
Erica is now 16 weeks pregnant. We talked about that a lot. She discovered she was pregnant the night before my wedding and swore Steve to secrecy right after the rehearsal dinner.
She listed off the symptoms, the things that made her realize she might be pregnant, and was trying to explain them to me. I stood and willed her to stop talking.
Now, I've talked about pregnancy with lots of women and it hasn't bothered me. But maybe it was the tone she took, the "this is something you don't understand so I have to educate you" tone. It pushed me into an ugly place. Because, you see, I remember the incredible ache in my breasts. I remember the nausea and the bone-numbing fatigue. I went through eight weeks of it. But instead of progressing on to the happy part of being pregnant, I had an abortion.
I still don't think it was the wrong decision. I still don't think the Artboy and I would have been good parents. I still think a child we produced at that point in our lives would have been doomed to an unstable life with parents who would have grown to not be able to stand the sight of each other. But that doesn't mean I like that decision. It doesn't mean I don't think about it every day, that even though I think it was the right choice for us to make, I don't still think it was a bad one. Correct and good don't always go together.
Erica and I have been friends for a long time. Long enough that she was around when I discovered I was pregnant, that she went through that whole part of my life with me, that she knows how difficult it was. And I know she didn't mean anything by what she was saying, which is why I didn't make a big deal about it. She would be horrified to know that she made me uncomfortable.
And maybe it's because the Husband and I have started talking about timing and child decisions that a lot of it has come to the forefront for me again. I'm sure that's a part of it.
But I certainly remember.
How many years does it take before you feel better about something like that?
Or maybe it's the kind of decision you never feel better about. Maybe you aren't meant to. Because if you did, it would be an easy decision to make. If there are no consequences, the importance fades.
"You'll always be a mother, honey. You'll just be the mother of a dead child."
Someday, perhaps, I won't hear her voice in my head any more.
---------------------------------------------
Something to say about this entry?
Add your comments here (0 people have spoken already)
< Artboy Excuses, Vampire Rodents and Conversation for Mature Audiences Only | Two years is a long time >
