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Something I told the Boyfriend this weekend:
1. I told him that I heard from the Artboy. This was tough, as (as you may imagine) the Artboy is not the Boyfriend's favorite topic of conversation. He handled it pretty well, though, which I was only a little surprised about. It shows that he's become much more secure with our relationship, I think. Not that he wants to run out and organize a dinner for the four of us (himself, me, Artboy and Arboy's girlfriend), but still, he didn't get all panicky this time, like he has in the past. I debated on whether to even mention it at all, but I figured that not telling him would make it seem like I was doing something wrong, and, knowing me, I would eventually mention it anyway, so I just cut out the stress and told him now.
Some thing(s) I did not tell the Boyfriend this weekend:
1. I did not tell him about this journal. Even though I'd decided I would. Even though I've told other people who could potentially mention it to him. I just don't want to tell him in a way that makes him worry about it, or that makes him stress until he reads it, because I really don't want him in here. Like Bismark said--you need to have something that's just yours.
2. I also didn't tell him that while we were waiting to be helped in the jewelry store today, my mom and I looked at engagement rings. After we finished picking out a locket for my grandmother, we had Mark, the man who was helping us, take a couple of the rings I liked best out of the display so I could try them on. I picked out the style I like best, and told my mom to feel free to pass the information on to the Boyfriend.
The funny thing is, he'd be thrilled to know I was looking at rings. He'd love to have a "let's get married" conversation with me. I very rarely give him an opening. Somehow, I can talk to anyone about the fact that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with him EXCEPT him. This is bad.
The other night, we were talking about my old roommates, and how we hardly see them now that they're married, and the Boyfriend was saying that it comes with the territory. Then he said, "You don't think that we'll go out less once we're ma....settled down and living in one place?" He's afraid to even say the word to me, unless he thinks he can slip it in to the conversation stealthily.
Why can't I just let him off the hook? Is it a control thing for me? I just don't know.
Maybe I should give him my journal address. Then he could just read it, and we wouldn't have to have the conversation.
Of course, I do know why, if I really want to be honest. I have a huge fear of taking that step. For a long time, I swore I never would. Watching your parents marriage fall apart after 20 years will do that to you, I guess. As long as the Artboy and I were together, I didn't have to think about it in real terms, since there was very little chance of it ever happening. But this is very real. And it scares me to death.
What if we're both wrong about this being a good idea?
Now, I gave up the idea of soulmates long before I ever stopped watching 90210. I think you get out of a relationship what you put into it, and if you're both trying, and you both want to be there, you'll find a way to make it work. But if you decide, suddenly, that you don't want to be there--there's very little cure for that. And it happens all the time.
Of course, the alternative, growing old alone and bitter, isn't so attractive.
Leap of faith, Jennifer. Leap of faith.
Think how happy the Boyfriend would be to know you've already picked out your bridesmaids.
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