Sponsor me in the 2005 MS Walk! Why? Read here.
I am sleepwalking through my morning. More. Sleep. Now. Please?
We made it home from the Pops around 10:30. I was in bed and almost asleep when the Boyfriend came in at 11. He attempted to have a conversation with me. It didn�t work. The concert was actually very good, and Betsy was on somewhat relaxed behavior, which was nice.
One woman sitting behind us at Symphony Hall talked and laughed through the whole show. Mind you, the acoustics in SH are designed so that sound carries very well. Everyone heard her chitchat. I can�t believe someone would be that rude and inconsiderate. Why pay the $54 for your seat if you�re just going to chatter through? I don�t understand.
Anyway, I�m in overtired mode. Which makes me way too introspective. And punchy. And easily annoyed. Which, of course, the Boyfriend bears the brunt of.
Last night, coming home in the car with the Boyfriend�s whole family, we drove through Quincy, past the Cathay Pacific restaurant. I�ve never actually been in the Cathay Pacific, but it�s a place I�ve heard a lot about. The Artboy used to go in there with Glen and co. "back in the day." They actually all got asked to leave on several different occasions. It became a big joke. I hadn�t thought about it in ages.
It becomes just one more Artboy thought process in the huge succession of Artboy thought processes I�ve been having lately. It�s unsettling, really. I can�t stop thinking about him.
Yesterday, I was reading through a couple of the other journals in Diaryland, catching up on what had been entered over the weekend, when I came across an entry in http://fat-angel.diaryland.com/001210_68.html. I wish I knew some HTML �cause I�d put a link in here right to it, but suffice it to say it�s like she read my mind. Her words pretty much summed up what I haven�t been able to articulate to the Artboy at all.
I had another dream about him last night. In this one, again, it was now, and we were broken up, but I was going to see him, to talk to him. I went to his old house, the one I lived in, too, and started walking through the halls, looking for him. He had moved back into the room we shared, and his old bed was there, the twin bed we slept in together for three and a half years. He was laying on top of it, wrapped in his black and white guitar blanket, surrounded by his old drum kit. I walked in and sat down with him, and he curled up with me with his head on my thigh, holding both my hands. He said, "I knew you�d come see me eventually. You always have, Jennifer." I told him I thought we needed to talk, since I needed to find a place to put him where I was safe with him and we could be friends. He told me we�d always be friends. Then his phone rang, and it was his new girlfriend. She got mad that I was there and hung up on him. He looked at me and said, "Bitch. Thinks she can run my life." Then I woke up.
Looking back, I see that the dream Artboy was right. Through our whole relationship, I would push away from him, then I would come back. I�d call him, I�d show up on his doorstep, I�d pursue the chance to talk to him. Until we truly broke up, and he realized I wasn�t doing that, and he panicked and started pushing hard himself. But now, it�s been me who has tried to get in touch with him, me who has pursued a relationship with him beyond our old parameters.
I haven�t heard from him again, since he said that yes, we were speaking again if I was okay with that, except for a forwarded joke or two. And yet, I�ve continued to talk to him. This frightens me.
I know our truce is a fragile, tenuous thing. He and I both have other people in our lives who have become what we used to be for each other. Or, who have become what we couldn�t be for each other. He�s been hesitant to get in touch with me because he wanted to make a break first.
Now, here I am, talking to the Boyfriend about marriage. But I�ve been emailing the Artboy. I�ve had a dream about him several times a week for months. I worry that I�m tempting fate. I worry that I�m challenging the Artboy on some level�"Go ahead�try and stop me from being with someone else." I worry that he could.
And yet, I don�t want to go back there. There was a horrible place for me. We both know that now, the Artboy and I.
And at the same time, I truly am happy where I am. Which is new for me, and is frightening and overwhelming and wonderful, all at the same time. Life with the Boyfriend is a good life, satisfying and fulfilling and easy.
I just wish I could find a way to reconcile myself to it, once and for all. To remember that "easy" doesn�t mean "bad". I told the Artboy for years that relationships weren�t supposed to be as hard as ours was. Have I lost that belief?
Perhaps I was better off just not talking to him at all.
Why does that thought make me so sad?
Oh, and by the way, I have cheezy 80's metal stuck in my head today.
---------------------------------------------
Something to say about this entry?
Add your comments here (0 people have spoken already)
< Too much party or too much mother? | Further examination shows a flaw in the system >
