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Jesus, I can�t believe myself. I just re-read the stuff I posted up here earlier. I won�t delete it, but it�s not the whole story.
My most obsessive Artboy moments come when I am a) overtired, and b) forced into a social situation with the Boyfriend�s family for long periods of time. Between Betsy�s party on Sunday and the Pops last night, I was in overload. When I woke up this morning, I felt better, but then proceeded to write it all down. It sounds much worse on paper than it feels in reality.
Why am I so afraid of the things in life that bring me joy and fulfillment?
No, I know the answer to that question.
It�s much easier to sabotage something myself. Then I don�t have to feel betrayed and hurt if it goes away.
I have such a hard time trusting people in my life.
If I tell the Boyfriend that I want to marry him, that I want to spend the rest of my life waking up beside him, I�ve opened that door a little further. It only gives him more space to wreak havoc when he decides he doesn�t want to be with me any more.
But I don�t think, logically, that he�s going to do that.
Logic and reason are tough to listen to, though, when you�ve got your defenses up so far.
Am I just broken?
Why would I want to fuck this up?
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