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Random stuff that�s bouncing around my mind today�
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My brain has calmed down a little bit. This is good news for all around me. I was slightly manic yesterday. The four entries I put in may have indicated that somewhat.
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The hospital is giving away cider, eggnog and desserts in the cafeteria this afternoon. Every year, they�ve put on something called "Thanksmas" for the nighttime employees, where they give out free dinner on one night during December to anyone who has the misfortune to need to be on site for the 3rd shift. Many of the 1st and 2nd shift employees complained that this was unfair. Consequently, this year the administration decided to spread the "Thanksmas" celebration to the afternoon as well. Huge tables laden with cookies and brownies and fruit and drinks have been set up along the back wall of the caf. Watching the crowd in there, you�d think these people never eat. A true sign that people will always take it if you give it away. Not that I didn�t take a couple cookies and some cider on my way by. I�m just saying�
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I�m learning a little HTML, bit by bit. I�ve learned how to italicize, and how to make things bold, and how to make links. I even learned how to put my Analyzer page onto my Diaryland page. Funny how exciting that stuff is to me. Some day, I�ll learn how to put a picture up here. It will happen eventually.
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My desk is a mess. I find this somewhat disturbing. I�ve always prided myself on being able to very quickly locate the various implements, forms and charts, used and unused, that people rely on my having here at my desk to make our work lives easier. Right now, I can barely find my keyboard. I think this is further evidence of my increasing job dissatisfaction. In short, I am losing my ability to give a shit. And the next person who asks me to locate something they should have kept track of themselves, just because they know I always keep copies for my files, can bite me.
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I�m supposed to go out with my friend Damon tonight. Damon and I have a strange history. He�s Ian�s roommate (Ian being the brother of Erica, my old roommate). We met through Ian because of Buffy Night last year. He�s one of the smartest people I�ve ever met. He�s also very young. Age-wise, he�s 25, which is younger than me, but that�s not what I mean. I mean on a bigger plane than simply years he�s been breathing.
I admit that I probably flirted with Damon when I first met him. He�s cute, he�s funny, he�s smart, he�s single. I was just-about-broken-up with the Artboy, and the Boyfriend still wasn�t talking to me, which was making me alternately angry and hopeless ("the I�m not going to wait around for you forever," mindset had pretty much taken residence). We�re both movie fans, and decided one Buffy Night to go see something together. For about three weeks, we hung out a lot. Then one night, he kissed me. I kissed him back (see above for reasons). But it was all wrong. Weirdness started escalating. He started treating me like his girlfriend. I wasn�t in any way looking for that. He came to our Christmas party last year and followed me around all night, angry that I wasn�t giving him the special attention he wanted.
Perhaps that�s the sugar coated to make Jennifer look better version. In truth, I gave him more reason to act like we were a couple than I�d like to admit to. But not as much as he wanted. It was a weird time.
Then the Boyfriend came back into my life, and all bets were off. Damon and I found a way to be friends, once we got through what he now refers to as "the debacle." We�ve talked on several occasions now about the current state of his affairs (weird and sometimes mind-numbing) and my affairs (mostly calm waters and good sailing). We�ve become movie buddies and finally friends. I thought we were okay.
Saturday night, he came to our party and proceeded to get really, really drunk. He started getting rather touchy-feely with many of the people at the party. Not pawing them, but hugging people he�d never touched at all before, putting his arm around people while he was talking to them�friendly-touchy. But noticeably more so than usual. At one point, he and I were standing in the kitchen with the Boyfriend and a few other friends of ours. Damon grabbed me, said, "Ineedtotalktoyoulet�sgooutside," and pulled me toward the door. We walked out to the back porch and sat down on the hammock.
I was dressed in my party clothes and not drunk, so I was feeling the bitter cold. I think I was probably rather short with him. "What did you need to talk to me about?"
"I just haven�t seen you lately, so I thought it would be nice to sit down for a minute. You know, catch up."
"Okay, but could we do it inside? I�m freezing!"
"Just sit with me for a minute. Here." He put his arm around my shoulder. That only served to make me cold and uncomfortable.
We talked about the Diaryland site for a minute. Although I didn�t give Damon the URL, he gathered enough information from several different conversations we had to find the site on his own. He swears, though, that he hasn�t read the entries in it. I mostly believe him. I told him that I�d only actually given the address to two people, my friend Tim who lives in Dairyland (different from Diaryland) and whom I haven�t physically seen since 1988, and Oregon Brian. He mentioned that he�d thought I meant the Brian who was presently inside the apartment. I explained that I had two different Brian friends. "There�s the one inside, and then there�s Oregon Brian. Oregon Brian was the first person who ever broke my heart. But we�re friends now�it was a long time ago, and there were extenuating circumstances."
"I�m still friends with the first girl who broke my heart," Damon said to me, "but I don�t think she knew it then. I�m not sure she knows it now. Well, maybe now she knows." His head moved dangerously close to mine.
"It�s cold, Damon. I need to go inside." I got up off the hammock and headed for the door. I made it as far as the back hall, just inches away from the door to the kitchen, when he caught my hand and stopped me. "I just want to be sure you know how special you are to me, Jennifer," he said.
"I�m glad we�re friends, Damon." I think the tone in my voice was firm, especially on the word friends. He put his arms around me and hugged me. The hug started to go on a little long. I stepped away from him. He held on to me too tightly for me to move far and rested his forehead against mine. I could feel him breathing, long hot alcohol-laden breaths. He started to move to kiss me. I moved sharply away from him. He tried to stop me�
The kitchen door opened. My friend Adam was stepping outside for a cigarette. All three of us froze in place and exchanged glances. Adam made "excuse me" noises, and I pushed past him into the kitchen. Damon followed, shuffling drunkly back into the light.
The rest of the evening was somewhat uneventful. Damon left shortly after that. I briefly told the Boyfriend about our encounter. He was concerned, but agreed to just let it go.
I�ve talked to Damon several times since then. Neither of us have mentioned what happened on the porch. Tonight should be interesting.
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The Boyfriend just called me at work. I answered the phone and said, "Good afternoon, (Business Director of our department)�s office," as I always do. He said hello, then added, "What are you doing?"
Duh�I�m packing to go to Aruba. I�m at my DESK. It�s 4:00. What do you THINK I�m doing?
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