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So I came to an interesting realization today.
I emailed the Artboy this morning and told him what was going on with my grandmother. I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be able to meet him for lunch on Wednesday, depending on what happened with Nana.
He emailed me back and said he wasn't sure if he could meet me on Wednesday anyway, since he had to talk to his landlord, and that time seemed to be the only time all week he could do it. He went on to say that he ran into George and Adam the other day. He mentioned it had been ages since he saw Adam last. Then he signed off.
I emailed him back. "Okay. Whatever, Artboy. Let me know when you do have time in your schedule, and if I'm around, maybe we can try again."
Then I got a little nasty at him. I essentially stopped just short of telling him to go fuck himself. I told him I had bigger things to think about than whether or not he had time to meet me on Wednesday.
A few minutes later, I emailed him again. I apologized for being harsh and said that I was just looking for a place to put my anger and unhappiness right now, but that it was neither his fault nor his problem any more.
Tonight, in telling Chris about it, though, I realized what really made me angry.
I had sent him a message, telling him that my grandmother was dying. My grandmother, who is the only member of my family who ever gave him the benefit of the doubt, who ever played his champion, who defended him to my mother over and over. My grandmother is dying. I told him that flat out.
He emailed me back and told me he had a meeting with his landlord, and he saw Adam the other day.
Total strangers, people who have read my journal that I've never even talked to, have emailed me and told me how sorry they are to hear about my family situation.
From the Artboy, the man I thought once I'd spend the rest of my life with, the man I woke up next to for four and a half years, I got nothing.
It really put things in perspective.
Despite everything, I've continued to invest effort into our relationship.
Now I see how useless that is. Not only doesn't he deserve it, he simply isn't worth it.
The thing is, I don't even care right now. I really do have much bigger things to worry about than meeting him for lunch.
The Boyfriend is home. He and Koach caught a standy flight and got back early, so I didn't even need to go to the airport. He had a terrible time in Florida. We're both glad he's home.
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