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Ha�I got a new Google search on my Sitemeter. This one was for spy email cheating boyfriend. Gotta wonder what�s on that girl�s mind.
Might I mention again today that I hate the way my Fridays are set up right now? Here it is, 3:30, and I�m just now eating lunch and updating my diary page. It�s way too chaotic around here on Fridays. And I still feel like crap. But hey�in an hour and a half, I get to go home, and won�t that be nice!
Tomorrow, I�m going to Tea at the Ritz with my mom, Erica (my old roommate) and her mom. I love Tea. Not just tea, but the whole process of Tea. And I�ve never been to the Ritz before. I�m sure it will be worth the zillions of dollars it�s going to cost.
So here�s my weird thing of the day:
(Background story first) When I first met the Artboy, I became friends with all his friends. Some I lost custody of in the separation, some I didn�t like much in the first place, but most are still my friends on an active basis. One of those is our friend Rob, who recently returned from teaching English in Russia for a couple years. He brought with him his brand new wife, Katja, and they moved in with his mom. I�ve seen Rob three times since he got home, and met Katja twice. They�re a nice couple, and I wish we saw more of them.
The other day, I got an invitation in the mail from Rob�s mom. She�s having a party on Feb. 18 for Rob and Katja to celebrate their marriage, since none of us attended the wedding, it�s having been in Russia and all.
Had you noticed, by the way, that I haven�t mentioned the Artboy in a while? You were thinking, "Good for Jennifer, moving forward like that, without constant talk of the Artboy." Sorry to disappoint you. You could skip the rest of the entry, if you wanted to.
This does all go together. Honest. It really does.
After much thinking this past weekend, prompted by a conversation with the Boyfriend about past loves, I sent the Artboy an email, telling him I�d figured something out. He wrote back, "Okay, I�ll bite�what is it?" This is what I figured out, as I explained it to him:
"A long time ago, you and I had a conversation in which you told me that you thought you'd been in love twice before, and that both those times, you were wrong. At the time, I didn't really think about that in connection to you and me, but in looking back at it, knowing you had found someone else, it made me sad.
I had this image of you saying the same thing to NGF, but this time it would be three, not two. It's not that I'm jealous, or that I wish you and I were still together, or that I think I made a wrong decision.
It's just that although I know I'm happy where I am, and although I love the Boyfriend, and I'm not sorry things worked out the way they did, none of that changes the fact that I did, and do love you, and that I hold all of the time I spent with you (yes, all of it--even the crappy parts) close to me as something very special.
And the thought that you might not do the same thing, that you might write everything there off, like it was a mistake or a misunderstood feeling, that made me sad. On top of which, it made me wonder--if that wasn't real, then how do I know this is, either?
So what I wanted from you, although I didn't know it was what I wanted, was for you to say that you were happy, and that your life was good, and that you were in a good place in it, with people that you love and who love you back.
But that you wouldn't ever say to her the same thing you said to me.
Because that would break my heart."
He answered back:
"Don't worry. I won't, haven't. You have left such a large imprint on me and who I am. I am sorry that I was such a clueless fucker at times. I am happy where I am. I am surrounded by people who love me and I them. I wish the same for you. You will always be my little Jennifer. And someday we will have lunch. With one daytime slot open it is a bit difficult, maybe during Feb. vacation?"
So I wrote him back and told him that we couldn�t change the past, and that as long as he didn�t spend his time now being a "clueless fucker," it�s all good. In return, I�ve learned how to keep my spine firmly in place.
Then I asked him if he�d gotten mail from Rob last week.
He, in fact, had received an invitation, and he and NGF changed their plans in order to be at the party.
The Boyfriend, on the other hand, is not coming to the party. He�s going skiing with his friend Joe.
So I get to spend next Sunday afternoon with the Artboy and his NGF, without the Boyfriend at my side.
Artboy insists that once we get past the inevitable awkwardness, he thinks NGF and I will really like each other.
I asked him when, exactly, he thought that would be.
I�ve gotta admit. I�m amazed at how hard this is for me.
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