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It took me a full 17 minutes to get online tonight. I hate AOL.
I almost just gave up and went to bed, but I really wanted to write a little bit about my day.
I woke up at 7:30 with my plans to go to work, but my head was killing me. Bordering on migraine-status. I sat in bed until 8, then got up to use the bathroom. Chris was in the living room, eating breakfast and watching the History Channel. I said hello and sat with him for a couple minutes, then told him I wasn't ready to start my day and that I would see him after another hour or so of sleep. I came back into my room and crawled back under my covers. I'd pulled the blankets back up to the pillows in a halfhearted attempt to make my bed, so the warmth was still trapped between the comforter and the featherbed. Made it very easy to fall back to sleep.
At 9:50, I woke up again, took some Tylenol and waited another 20 minutes in the comfort of my pillows. As I got up the second time, Chris was on his way out to run some errands. I confirmed to him that I wasn't going to work, then we made plans for the rest of the day and I headed for the shower.
The shower can either be a very good place or a very dangerous place when I have a headache. Today it just made it worse, so I was in and out quickly. I dried my hair, moisturized my poor, peeling nose (I blame all the tissues I've used lately), and then tried on every single outfit in my closet, trying to find something appropriate for Rob's party.
An hour and a half later, I'd just finally finished getting dressed when Chris came back in, carrying Breakfast From McDonalds. Mmm...Egg McMuffin. Yummy.
He laughed when I told him I'd been getting dressed for over an hour. He didn't understand that I needed the Right Outfit for today. Seeing the Artboy and his NGF required just the right clothes. I needed to look nice, but not too nice, not like I was trying to hard. I needed to look thin and appealing, but not too sexy, and not inappropriate for the occasion. I didn't want "Look what you can't have", but "Look--I'm fine without you." I think I did a pretty good job.
After breakfast, we went to get a present for Rob and Katya. I really wanted to keep it. I wrapped it anyway. Good Jennifer--self control is a good thing. It's also not something I've always had. There were times I would have bought myself one, too.
Jim came over and we headed to Rob's mom's house. We left about half an hour late. That was fine. I didn't really want to be the first people there.
By the time we arrived, the Artboy and NGF were already there. His truck was parked right out front. It's looking awfully beat up these days. With all the parts he's replaced, it's now three different colors. We walked in and he was the first person I saw, but I busied myself with handing my coat over to Rob's brother and signing the guestbook. We found out where to put the gifts and headed in.
I had to walk past the Artboy to get to the gift pile. NGF was standing to his left, between the door and him. I took a sidelong glance. She's a little shorter than me, probably around 5'4" or 5'5", with long blonde (bleached?) hair and blue eyes, a very angular face. She's thin, but not waifish, with a nosering and several holes in each ear. She had a pearl choker around her neck and earrings in each hole, but no other jewelry. She smiled, showing perfectly straight teeth. It was a nice smile.
The Artboy looked at me and waved, but said nothing. I smiled and walked past them to put down my gift.
I came back and he ignored me, continuing his conversation with Chris. I said hello to a couple other people, then got a drink and some cheese. Small talk ensued. The Artboy continued to ignore both me and NGF. Finally, just as I was about to do it, she leaned over, offered me her hand and introduced herself. I laughed and admitted that I was about to do the same thing, and shook her hand. It was ice cold, just like mine.
The Artboy turned at the sounds of our voices and froze. I laughed again and said, "I guess the Artboy hasn't gotten any better at introductions as time has gone on!" He said, "What--I was gonna do that--I just hadn't had a chance yet!" NGF pointed out that he'd had 15 minutes. I liked her already.
Over the course of the day, I talked to her off and on. He was right--I did like her, very much. She didn't stray very far from his side at all, but he made very little effort to include her in the conversations. I felt bad for her. I know how that feels.
Of course, it had to be akward for him, even excluding my presence. For the most part, these were all people he's not actively friends with any more. He abandoned them all when we broke up, and they've not quite forgiven him for it. I, on the other hand, see them all, all the time. I was on home turf. He was a visitor.
The Artboy and I? We basically avoided each other. I realized that I no longer know how to behave toward him in a crowd like that, especially with NGF right at his side. I didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable, so I didn't want to say too much about our shared history. I addressed him directly a few times over the course of the day. He answered me, but made no attempt to start or continue conversation. When they left, she came over, shook my hand again and said, "Jennifer, it was really nice to meet you. Hope to see you again."
He didn't even say goodbye.
He needs a haircut. And a different shirt.
At one point, we were standing in the living room, listening to Rob and Katya re-exchange their vows. A couple people read some things, a poem, a bible passage. Many toasts were made. A lot was said about being in love and making it last. Listening to all of it with the Artboy and NGF just inches away made me sad. Sad not because I want to be there with him, but an almost nostalgic kind of sad. Once upon a time, I'd thought he was my forever. Now, I know that's not true. But I remember feeling like it was, and that created an emptiness for me today. I glanced over at him. His eyes were wet, his arms were crossed. They were standing three inches apart, not touching at all. That made me sad, too. Sad for her. I hope she doesn't get the same things I got from him. I truly hope he's better off for all the mistakes we made, for all the crap we put each other through. I hope he treats her well. She deserves that.
I missed the Boyfriend right there, too. Especially after the conversation we had the other night.
Jim, Chris and I stopped for dinner on the way home. It was an uneventful meal. But good--it was good to see Jim today.
The Boyfriend called at about 9:00. He and Joe had a good ski trip. He was tired and sore, but happy. We talked about the party. He asked me if I thought it would have been more akward with him there. I don't think it would have. All the people in the kitchen I knew, outside of the Artboy, are his friends now, too. One more safe place in the room. I'm truly sorry he wasn't with me.
We talked some more about weddings. Well, more specifically, about our wedding. So strange to me to have a conversation with him like that and know it's not just speculation. Somehow, we've started actually planning it. It's not "if we," but "when we." And although I find it a little odd, it's a good conversation.
And after today, after seeing the Artboy again for the first time in a year, I feel one step closer to walking down the aisle. That familiar pang was gone. I didn't want him. I mostly just wanted him to be nice to her.
That's a good feeling.
G'night all...
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