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SO this is my first entry on my new non-Mac work computer. So far, I haven�t felt the need to hurl it off my desk, but it�s early yet.
Feeling sort of uninspired today. Most of my workday has been spent in meetings. When I came out, Sean, our IS guy, was in the midst of making the Mac go away. There was essentially nothing I could do while he transferred everything over, so I spent a good chunk of the afternoon watching him play with the new computer. I think it needs a name. Any good suggestions on what to name the new system?
Tonight, I get to go home and continue to do a whole lot of nothing. The Boyfriend is going to the home show with his dad, so I get the night to myself. Except, of course, that Chris will be home. Because Chris is always home.
I know, he lives there�it would make sense that he be there. But he just never goes anywhere. It�s kind of scary, actually. Mostly, he sits in the house, watches any of the million DVD�s he�s bought since Christmas and drinks a lot. Mostly scotch and whiskey. Neat. (Neat is one of those words I�ve learned since Chris moved in, at least in its liquor capacity. Before, I would have called it �straight� or �by itself�. Now I�m learning the correct terminology to be an alcoholic.)
Chris has a lot of issues with his parents. He�s an only child whose mom and dad don�t get along very well but who will stay married until the end of time. His relationship with them is so stilted at this point that even when they try to be nice to him, he can�t let them. Instead, he�s abrupt and, well, rude, condescending and disrespectful. It�s really rather painful to witness.
Chris has a lot of self-esteem issues. He�s also got the world�s biggest martyr complex. I�m sure he�d be diagnosed as severely depressed, if he�d let anyone diagnose him. I�m not positive he isn�t a little manic. But he believes that he knows what�s wrong with him, and there�s nothing anyone can do to fix him, so he�s got to do it all on his own. We�ve had this conversation. I won�t ever have it again. When we finish, I want to put my head through a window.
A couple Sundays ago, I came into the house at about 9:15. He was sitting on the couch watching The Ghost in the Darkness, one of his favorite movies. He was also shitfaced. He�d been sitting on the couch since 11:00 that morning, drinking scotch�neat�and watching movie after movie. By the time I came in, he was practically in tears when he spoke.
He told me that he�d realized that day that he enjoys watching movies so much because for the length of the film he can forget about his life. He gets to not be himself for a while.
What do you say to something like that?
Chris is a very sweet, thoughtful, generous, good friend. He�s a fun person, when he lets himself be. He�s also teetering on the brink of a very dark place, and I don�t know how to help him not fall in headfirst.
The last two nights, while the Boyfriend has been at the house, I�ve seen very little of him. Last night, he came over and stood outside my closed door for a moment, then called �goodnight� in to us in a halfhearted voice. Before either of us could answer him, he walked away.
I have no idea how he�ll be when I get home tonight.
Is it wrong that part of me wishes I�d get home and he�d be out?
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