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I closed the �Friend Quiz� this morning. In no particular order (mostly because I don�t remember what order I put them in there in), here are the answers to the questions:
1. I�m getting married in August. Not that far away at this point! This both frightens and excites me.
2. My engagement ring is diamond and sapphire, my birthstone. Every ring I�ve worn on that finger has had a sapphire in it, and the Boyfriend was afraid I�d miss them if I didn�t have them now.
3. The first time I kissed the Boyfriend was at the top of Mt. Cardigan in New Hampshire. It was our second date. I almost passed out on my way up the mountain. Not sure if there would have been a third date if I had.
4. The song we danced to in the Artboy�s kitchen was �Son of a Preacher Man� by Dusty Springfield. �Steal My Kisses� by Ben Harper for some reason reminds me of that day, but it�s much too recent to be an Artboy song. And I had to laugh�the most popular wrong answer was the Spiritualized song, which the Artboy and I did dance to, but not on an occasion I�ve ever written about in here.
5. Life in my house stops for Buffy. No question about it.
6. The Artboy is a drummer. Mmm�Gotta love those drummer arms.
7. As of August, when I move out, I will have been in my apartment for seven years. That�s the longest commitment I�ve ever made to anything!
8. I trace my life back to my Midnight craving for a Slush Puppy. Not that it has to be Midnight to crave a Slush Puppy. In fact, I wonder if there�s any place around here that sells them?
9. Once upon a time, I had a pierced navel. I did it as a surprise for the Artboy while he was in Amsterdam. It never quite healed correctly and was prone to infection. Eventually I got tired of having a crusty belly button, so I took it out.
10. I trained at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center last summer. No one got that one wrong. I think that�s a good thing.
I�m feeling better today, at least in theory. Like I said, some days are easier than others, and yesterday particularly sucked. I know it�s going to get better. It�s just going to take some time. A lot of time. More time than I can fathom right now.
That doesn�t make it suck any less.
I think perhaps I need a place to put my anger.
Last night, the Boyfriend joined us for Buffy and then stayed over, braving my 5:15 alarm even though he didn�t get up until 6:45, after I�d already left for work.
I know he�s gotten the short end of my attention these past few weeks, and I know that he�s been feeling badly about that, but I haven�t been together enough to try and DO something about it. And when he tries to get romantic with me�let me tell you, the last thing on my mind right now is sex. I�m not that relaxed or that comfortable in myself right now. And I wish I could just let myself get lost in him for a while.
Truth is, though, and I know this is wrong, but I feel BAD about being happy. He tried to kiss me at my mom�s the other night, and I moved away from him. I don�t want to remind her of what she doesn�t have any more.
I know that�s ridiculous. I know the last thing she wants is for something negative to happen between the Boyfriend and me as a result of David�s being gone, but it was an automatic reaction.
How do I get over that?
Because I know I need to. But right now, I�m a little afraid to love him, or to be loved by him. The big �what�s the point since we�re just going to die� banner is waving in my line of sight, and I can�t quite seem to close my eyes.
Someone, tell me I�m wrong and crazy to feel this way, please??
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