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Happy birthday, Yelnad! And happy belated-by-one-day birthday to Dippiddeedoo!
Lunch today is plain white rice and apple juice. Part of what my mom always called the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) for an upset stomach. I think I�ve hit a point where I�m so tired that my digestive system is revolting. I am so very not happy about this.
The Boyfriend�s friend Jack emailed me this morning, as he usually does several times each week. Out of all the Boyfriend�s friends, Jack is the one who has made the most effort in my direction, the one I would most immediately describe as my friend now. The other day, he emailed me looking for single women�he figured I must know some (sadly, I don�t, really. I know there must be a few in the Boston area, but if you�re out there, he�s a nice boy!)! Today, he asked what my plans for the weekend are.
Friday night, I�m having dinner with Steve (my old roommate), whom I haven�t had any quality time with for months. Saturday, the Boyfriend, Mom, David and I are headed to Newport, RI for the big Wedding Production (I know I�ve bitched about this in here before, so for the sake of my regular readers, I won�t bitch again now). Sunday, we�ve somehow been conned by Amy to head to Tanglewood with her and Jim, the Boyfriend�s dad, for the afternoon concert.
Jack told me his plans involve �just hanging around.�
What I wouldn�t give for a weekend of �just hanging around.�
Ah, well, no point in whining about it, Jennifer. It isn�t going to happen, not unless you disown both your family and the Boyfriend�s family, so just suck it up!
Anyway�
Tuesday night, since I didn�t expect to head to my mom�s or to end up staying at the Condo, I hadn�t brought any of my work stuff with me. As a result, I raided my mom�s closet before the Boyfriend and I left for something suitable for work wear. She lent me one of her 12 denim jumpers and a grey long-sleeved t-shirt. Yesterday morning, I got up and dressed. I took the bumblebee pin I�d been wearing Tuesday off my sweater and fastened it to the jumper strap. I put on my shoes (black clogs�they were a Christmas gift from Mom, who also bought a pair for herself) and picked up my Longaberger purse. On the way down the hall, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Oh. My. God.
I had become my mother.
All day, I walked around with her sitting on my shoulder. I felt so�grownup.
I�m having trouble with this, a little.
I�m not really that grown up. I don�t pay my bills on time. I let my leftovers rot into unrecognizable slop in the corner of the fridge until I pick up a bowl of cantaloupe and say, �hey, when did we have zucchini?� I wait until all my laundry is dirty before I wash any of it. Once a week, I have to set aside a couple hours to combat the �Hurricane Jennifer� syndrome that�s struck my bedroom. I schedule my winter nights around what�s on the WB. I eat cookies for breakfast. I don�t return phone calls that I don�t want to return. I have a toy basket on my desk. I have no savings at all. I won�t drink milk without chocolate syrup. I occasionally leave dirty dishes in the sink for several days.
I am so NOT a grown up yet!
I am, however, in the process of doing such grown up things. It doesn�t get much more so than planning a wedding.
What happens after we�re married, and the Boyfriend has become the Husband, and all of those things are still true? I wonder if one morning, he�ll kick my stuff out of his way while walking to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, reach around the moldy whatever and chocolate syrup to get his wheatgrass juice and think, �none of this was in the brochure.�
I just finished reading a book called Otherwise Engaged by Suzanne Finnamore. She recounts, in the book�s 209 pages, the year-long engagement of Eve and Michael. There�s a passage in the middle that reads:
One of the managers in Michael�s office is getting married in June, on Martha�s Vineyard.
She woke up her fianc� the other night at 3 a.m. and told him that she felt she was making a mistake getting married. She said that, although she didn�t want to hurt his feelings, she felt that he was kind of an asshole. And that she had been seriously thinking of calling her ex-boyfriend and going to see him. Her fianc� told her to go to sleep and that they would talk about it in the morning.
They are still engaged.
Don�t misunderstand me. I�m not having second thoughts about spending the rest of my life with the Boyfriend. Nor am I thinking longingly about the Artboy. I�m just�
I�m a little overwhelmed at the seriousness about the process. The grown-up-ness of it all.
I�ve mentioned before that I�m not particularly good with follow-through. This is the biggest follow-through I�ve ever undertaken. And it frightens me a little bit.
Of course, the other option�NOT having the Boyfriend in my life�frightens me even more.
I guess it�s a question of degrees.
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