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Saturday, Mom and I went to New Hampshire with her friend Gail for lunch. It was a really, good day. As always, the food was fantastic, and the weather was gorgeous. Gail drove, so we could both relax and enjoy doing something that felt very normal and stress-free.
Then, of course, we pulled in the driveway and walked in to an empty house. And how incredibly empty it feels.
No David on the couch, spreading cracker crumbs between the cushions. No David upstairs sleeping through reruns on the bed. No David in the backyard, hitting golf balls to the dog. Just�no David.
It must kill her to go home every day.
Anyway�
So I had another dream about the Artboy last night. And yes, it was one of those kinds of dreams. But unlike many of those kinds of dreams, this one had way too much reality in it. At one point, I was thinking that it had been a long time since he had seen me naked and worrying that he�d comment on my�umm�change in shape. THAT�s never happened in one of those dreams before!
I woke up from it suddenly to find the Boyfriend sound asleep beside me, blissfully unaware of what had been going on in my head.
Why is it that I feel guilty about something my subconscious stuck in the forefront of my sleep? It�s not something I designed or asked for, and yet�I woke up and felt badly about something I didn�t even want!
I think�And this is the first time I�ve attempted to turn this thought process from a vague thought into something concrete�I think that with David�s death, there�s suddenly a LOT of wedding pressure. During the week where I was home and people came constantly through the house, I heard my mom say over and over how glad she was that she had the wedding to think about, plan, look forward to. Other people told me over and over how excited David had been about the wedding, and how it was good that we had something positive in the near future to distract us. I think I�m feeling the pressure of that. It�s not our wedding anymore, the Boyfriend�s and mine�it�s the great white hope and saving grace to my whole family.
So my brain is bringing up images of a naked Artboy. Hey, thanks, Brain. THAT�s really constructive.
But seriously, I�m not sure what to do about this, here (not the Artboy part�that was just a dream�the WEDDING part). I don�t want to diminish the one good thing my mom�s got right now, but I also don�t want my own stress level to rise on it, either.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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