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September 18, 1984
DD,
Well, high school started. I�m on track, running for freshman class president, in love with Stefani�s brother, Adam, Daniel�s moving to NY, I have an A in geometry, Adam doesn�t have a girlfriend (but I think he likes Tamara), Dave�s going to be in our church on 9/23 (in Jellybeans for Jamie), I�m moved up into Di�s old room, life�s a bitch and then you die so go ask Heather Curtis. Whew�I wrote that all in one thought. Guess what�I have to write something
(new page, with huge letters)
I LOVE ADAM MYERS!!!!!!!
That was fun! I have to tell someone! �Steff, what would you say if I told you I know someone who�s in love with your brother?� She�d say �I�d say who?� And I�d say �me,� and she�d say �you�re kidding� and die laughing and Adam would never even look at me! Or she�d say �really� and fix me up with him. But naah!! Ha ha! I have almost everyone from the party believing that I�m in love with Chris Succi! He�s my second choice after Adam! But Adam�s my first choice! I think being in love with one of your best friend�s brother is hazardous to your health! Wow�if I toss and turn, I could electrocute myself in the plug next to my bed! Well, gotta go�I�m tired. Pleasant dreams! I�ll have some!
Love and other indoor sports,
Jennifer
12-5-86
I just got back from Carla�s house. Beth and I were there, but Beth is sleeping over. I could�ve, but I didn�t. While I was there, Carla called Andy! I gave her his phone number, and she and Beth went over and called him! She talked to his dad, though. He was at the Celtics game. She told Mr. Taubman that she was me and left my phone number. It will be interesting to see if he calls back. Mom yelled at me�she says he�s too young for me! I�m so confused! I really do like him, though. Oh my�my teeth KILL! I hate Dr. Lite. But my braces come off in four months! Just in time for the prom!!!!
1/2/86
I can�t handle Jeff! He�s being so over protective! He cried when I went to Kurt�s dance the other night! New Year�s Eve, he and Scott were at my house watching Fright Night (scary movie!). I can�t believe myself. I took Scott�s hand (not that he was objecting or anything!). When I moved, he took my other one, and we sat like that for the whole movie! I really have no idea what�s going on between us. It�s all very confusing. He�s afraid�very afraid�of getting hurt, and knowing me, I�d hurt him! But I really do like him!!! I don�t know�I�m just so confused. I think he still likes Carla.
Alright, here�s the situation as I see it. Scott and I are friends�we have been since 6th grade. In 8th grade, he liked me, but I didn�t know it. He and I have been really good friends ever since. He really understands me! We work well together! We have the same taste in friends and music! So Carla starts in on her �you should go out with Scott� thing, but I really didn�t start to think very seriously about it until his and Jon�s party. I was still kind-of hung up on Andy until then. But that night, I really started to discover that I do like him! I mentioned it to Jodi�sort-of. She yelled at me and very adamantly told me NO! Later on that night, he, Greg, Carla and I were all down in his room all by ourselves when Ronni called (etc, etc). Ad I was sitting there trying SO hard not to laugh out loud at Carla, I took both his hands (I was silently screaming and needed something to squeeze!). Well, after I was done silently screaming, neither of us moved our hands! The Next day, I was talking to Greg, and he asked me what was going on between me and Scott. They sat up in his bedroom and talked about me! Greg told me that I really freaked him out. Then, this vacation, the night we went to see Rich, first he sat next to me in Steve�s (encouraging �cause he could have sat with either me or Carla) AND he sat with me during the movie. He even put his arm around me! And then last night�oops�two nights ago�NYEVE, when I finally got around Jeff over by him, we were both sitting there and it was like�very gradual. First I had like two finger son the back of his hand, and eventually my whole hand was in his. So then, I moved�my hands too, and when I moved back, he took my hand back!
Since then, I haven�t really talked to him, but I haven�t been able to get him off my mind. I don�t know what to do! I was going to call him tonight, but I couldn�t �cuz Dad had to unplug my phone to do the other room! I was also gonna call Greg to see what he could tell me. I will not bring it up first, though. Guarantee that if Scott said anything to Greg, Greg will bring it up without any help from me. Not that I really need him meddling in this. But�he can�t screw this up! Scott is his best friend! Besides, it will get me off his back!
7/19/89
Spent the day at work. �T� left at 11:30. Typed in all the patients we lost yesterday (123). Came home with Sheridan at 3:30ish. Got sad letter from Scott Sherman, tried to call him�no answer. Didn�t talk to Scott. Went to PSO with Mom at Great Woods. Gave Dad grades. He hasn�t said anything. D&C are home.
I have to tell Scott to let himself in on Friday (Saturday). Have the whole thing figured out in my head. Just hope I don�t screw it up. It scares me to think that there�s a very good possibility of having sex with him. Amazed that I haven�t yet. Of course, I also haven�t spent the night totally alone with him! I guess it�s safe to say that I�m planning on it. I guess planning on it and not having it happen is better than not expecting it and having to deal with it unprepared (in all senses of the word?). Also, could I have sex with my boyfriend in my parents� bed? Isn�t that sacrilegious or something? I think I need to call Mary Elizabeth. Maybe she�ll have something valued and meaningful to say about it.
Scott, I love you and want to be with you forever, but I�m only 18 years old. Forever is a long time. Are we ready for this? Because I promised myself that when it happens this time, it happens for real and for good. How will it change us? Will I be able to look at you in the morning? I�m scared, but I know that I love you, and that you love me, and because of that, I feel like this is the right thing to do.
7/24/89
I wonder if this was a one-time thing, or if it was just the beginning. I mean, so far, it hasn�t changed things immensely. Except, I guess it has. It created an intimacy that didn�t exist before. Which is still there. I feel this need when I with him to be connected to him somehow. I�m so scared of him leaving, which happens in about a month. I�m scared that he�ll leave and things will change. He�ll be back at school, surrounded by 13,000 women, partying, get smashed, sleep with some Umass chickie�And I don�t think I can handle that. I couldn�t deal with losing him. He tells me that he asks himself frequently, �What�s she doing with me?� He doesn�t realize that I live in constant fear of his finding someone he likes better, someone who will finally and permanently take him away. I can�t deal with the thought of losing him. I can barely deal with the thought of him leaving. Why is this so difficult?
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