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I am so tired today that it�s made me feel nauseous. This is the only week we have three training sessions in a row. I think that�s probably a good thing.
Jordan and the other volunteers at the first session told us all this would be an emotionally intense experience, and it�s not that I didn�t believe them, but there�s a big difference between hearing that and actually experiencing it for myself. I feel like I�m on overload. TGIF in a huge way.
I had a disagreement with my mom yesterday (not about the wedding this time, about the training). On Wednesday, Jordan told me that she usually talks about Melissa at different times in the training, but she wanted to see how I felt about that before she said anything in this group, so as not to make me uncomfortable. Although I thought it was incredibly nice of her to ask me, I told her I had no problem with that, and that I talk about Melissa frequently. I asked her to please go ahead and say whatever she would normally say if I wasn�t who I am.
My mother is, I think, less than thrilled about my going through this process. I still haven�t quite figured out why. I think she�s afraid that I�m going to put myself at risk somehow by having all this knowledge. Like somehow a potential rapist is going to target me because I�m working to lessen his pool of possible victims. All of which only proves to me how important the public education program really is.
I called her yesterday and she asked how Wednesday night�s session went. In talking about it, I mentioned the conversation I�d had with Jordan about Melissa. My mom cut me off and asked, �Does she use her as an example of how stupid an idea it is to put yourself in a risky situation and how NOT to behave if you want to stay safe?!�
I was stunned silent for a minute.
Her words were such a direct contradiction to everything we�d been talking about and learning. I hope my mom doesn�t believe, truly, that it�s Melissa�s fault for getting in that man�s car that she�s dead, but I�m not so sure. Deep down, I�m afraid she does.
Someone else in the group made a comment that has really stuck with me, too. Of course, there are things we can all do to make ourselves safer, and in any situation, you can look back and see a thousand things you could have done differently, but that doesn�t mean that the outcome would have changed. Would Melissa�s not willingly going with him have stopped him from taking her? Not necessarily. If her mom had agreed to come and get her and told her to wait, would he have then just gone away and left her by herself? Who knows? The point isn�t that she got in the car. The point is that he picked up the knife.
I need to find a balance between educating and being overbearing. Instead, this time, I said nothing. I don�t feel very good about that.
Last night, we talked about confidentiality. As we were discussing the rules for keeping private matters private, I was thinking back over my entries in here, trying to decide if I�d broken that at any point. So far, I think I�ve been okay. It�s a fine line. This diary is important to me, and keeping it is so helpful, but I don�t want it to contradict the training. As a result, there are things I just can�t write about. I think I�m okay with that. If an entry suddenly changes or disappears, though, it may be that I�ve revised my thinking on how what it said measures against that confidentiality policy, just to forewarn you and stave off any confusion.
On a non-rape-related issue, I narrowly missed out on meeting Genghis Jon last night. Damn me! He was playing with the Dead City Rockers at a place right near where our training is happening. As soon as we got out, I booked it to the club, knowing his band was playing first. They left the stage seconds before I walked through the door.
I wandered through the crowd, looking for a face that matched the pictures on his website, but to no avail. Complicating things was the fact that I�d told him I�d be wearing a red shirt, and I was wearing a purple shirt, and I�d told him the Boyfriend would be with me and I was alone. There was one guy there that I thought maybe, and I stared right at him and started to walk over to him, but he walked away, so I didn�t get the chance to ask. Jon, if that was you in the hat, I�m sorry.
Truly, I am disappointed.
Maybe if he plays up here again, he�ll give me a second chance to redeem myself.
Tonight, the Boyfriend and I are going to an Athena party then staying at Carla�s so she and I can leave bright and early for the rubber stamp convention. For the uninitiated out there, Athena parties are like Tupperware parties, but for�umm�well��adult novelties.� My cousin�s MIL calls them �Fuckerware� parties. She�s somewhat correct.
Ought to be an interesting contrast to the rest of my week!
Kathy, I haven�t forgotten that I promised you a prize! Not from the Athena party, unless you�d rather trade?
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