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Doing some desk-side housecleaning today. I�ve come to the conclusion that I have two attention span-less days each month, about a week before my period starts. I didn�t realize it was that clockwork-like until yesterday. I was actually reading through my entries and discovered that it�s almost always the Tuesday and Wednesday of the week before. So I�m working with it instead of against it now. It seems like a much better plan.
Truthfully, though, the physical cleaning reflects what�s going on in my head, too. I�m in what feels like a mental housecleaning spot, too. I think I mentioned this yesterday. If I weren�t so frazzled I�d go back and look.
Anyway�
I feel like I�ve been going through a period of just being here, without really participating in the things around me. I haven�t been taking very good care of myself. Not enough sleep, crappy food. My days and nights have been filled with obligations, not things I look forward to (other than Buffy, which absolutely rocked last night, by the way). I�ve had moments of really good things�meeting Selila the other night, tea with Erica, a few minutes with my mom, a chance to play with Carla�interspersed with long days of get up go to work go home go to a meeting go to talk to a wedding service provider go to a function I don�t want to attend get home too late go to bed get up and do it all over again. I�ve let things I have to do�pay my rent, pay my bills, clean my bathroom, do my laundry, get my eyes checked�just fall by the wayside. I�m too tired and unmotivated to do them once I have the time, even something as simple as write out a check.
No wonder I�m short with the Boyfriend.
So I�ve been searching and I�m committed to making my life a better place for me to be.
And the hardest part of that decision, the part that I�ve wrestled with for days, the part I�m saddened by and worried about, is that I want to take a leave of absence from BARCC.
Right now, instead of being something I�m excited about and want to share, it�s a chore. I force myself to do the bare minimum of what I need to do, and beyond that, I hide.
That isn�t what I want to give to them. And I think that if I can get myself to a better place, I�ll be better about being there. But right now, I don�t have enough me to offer up.
I hate that I feel this way. It just plain sucks.
I�m afraid to tell Jeanette.
I feel like I�m failing.
But I�ll feel worse if I�m a bad representation of a good organization. That�s no good for either them or me.
So�
I�m going to call her in the morning and ask if I can come talk to her before our meeting next week.
Then�I�m out.
At least for now.
On the good news side, I wrote another 1000 words of my novel yesterday.
Tonight, the Boyfriend and I are off to look at TV armoires. I also made him promise we could stop at Michael�s so I can get the rest of the supplies I need to finish my Christmas exchange project.
Now that doesn�t feel like a chore.
Too bad I can�t just cut my job out of the mix. That would give me plenty of time to do all these other things!
Next Tuesday is my one-year Diaryland anniversary. What do you think I should do to celebrate?
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