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My Inner Aunt Effie has become my Outer Aunt Effie.
I know there are times I've wished I could let more of her out, but this isn't exactly what I meant.
I think it was the shampoo they used at the salon where I got my fabulous new haircut. At least, that's the only new thing I can think of. But two days ago, I started feeling a strange tightness in the back of my head. A sudden sharp pain almost knocked me down into a chair. Thor looked up, startled. I must've looked awfully terrible, since I actually distracted Thor. As I regained my balance, a voice came out of my hair.
"Jesus Christ, woman, get this hair out of my eyes!"
We all froze for a minute, then Thor peeked under the shellaced layers. Aunt Effie's face peered back at him. He yelped like a kicked puppy and jumped back. "What's the matter, never seen an old woman before? Now get this damn hair out of my eyes!"
My hair isn't long enough to pull back. Or forward, as the case may be, so we pulled it over with barrettes and listened to my not-so-dead aunt chatter and swear away from the back of my head.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 came into the kitchen, ready to take our promised trip to the Maul of America. Thor and I hesitated before trying to explain the strange goings on we'd just witnessed, but Aunt Effie piped up and ruined any chance we had to keep it quiet. "Let me see those boys. Get out of my way!"
Thing 1 stared openmouthed at his altered mom, but Thing 2 immediately approached for a closer look. "Hey, cool!" he exclaimed.
One of the barrettes started to slip. This brought on a new stream of foul language. I asked her to hush up for a minute while I thought. She harumphed a bit, but quietly.
The phone rang. Carmelita's voice came through the receiver. She was calling from the Marcos household, looking for one of the boxes we hid the day the tree guys and I ignored the shit on the carpet. I knew those were going to come around and bite me in the ass one of these days.
"Carmelita, I honestly don't remember where we put those," I told her. Aunt Effie piped up, "Tell that damn woman she's better off without that box, and she should throw the rest of the damn house out, too!" I made a quick excuse to Carmelita to get off the phone before she asked too many questions. This Aunt Effie thing was getting out of hand.
It's been several hours since this happened. I haven't figured out yet what to do, but Aunt Effie has systematically pissed off the plumber, one of Thor's coworkers, the secretary from Thing 1 and Thing 2's school and one of my book club members. I may never be able to answer the phone or leave the house again.
But at least I'll finally get her pie recipe!
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