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Flash back a couple weeks. The Husband and I had a confused, confusing telephone conversation about New Year�s Eve, in which he was upset that I�d made plans to go to new Hampshire with my mom during the day, as he�d planned to take the day off, and I couldn�t understand his being upset with me since he hadn�t told me he planned to take the day, and we�d be back by the time evening rolled around and have plenty of time if he felt the need to celebrate the holiday, which I really didn�t, since I hate New Year�s Eve.
We worked it out. He came to NH with us. We planned to head back to the Condo later, order Chinese and watch a movie. My favorite kind of New Year�s plans.
We made it to NH. Lunch was delicious, as always. The ride home was long. The Husband was driving Gail�s car, as she and Mom had shared a bottle of wine with our meal. When we got back to my mom�s, he headed for the couch and napped for a couple hours. He woke up at dinner time, and we decided to order food from the Chinese place around the corner, since it would take forever and we didn�t know the name of anywhere around our house to call and order.
The ride to the restaurant two hours later to pick up our food proved how bad the driving was, and we decided, in light of the tired Husband and the late hour, to stay put. We spent the remainder of the evening crashed on my mom�s couch, watching the Monster Garage marathon and picking at the boneless spare ribs. We went to bed around 11:15, but managed to kiss goodnight in the new year. All in all, not a bad way to spend the holiday.
Except�
He checked his cell phone messages in the early evening. There was one from his mom, left that morning, asking his opinion on some refinancing information. He tried her back but got her voicemail. Tried her cell phone. Voicemail. Tried his dad and his sister, to see if either of them had heard from her. No one had. Everyone thought she was home. Tried home again. Voicemail.
He still hadn�t been able to reach her by the time we went to bed. And when your mom�s an alcoholic, albeit a recovering alcoholic, even with 17 years of sobriety under her belt, having her disappear like that is a scary thing. Especially when she�s generally the most accessible woman in the world and doesn�t let more than an hour go by without answering your messages. Especially when the man who was her drinking partner for so many years has just recently resurfaced and started calling her again.
We went to bed. He slept fitfully all night, dozing off and on until the late morning. He tried her again before he came down to breakfast, and again periodically through the next couple hours. We started getting ready to go to my cousin�s for lunch. I had showered and was dressing when he walked into the room.
�I found her,� was all he said. From the look on his face and the tone in his voice, I was sure that the next words he was going to share would tell me either that she was drunk or someone was dead.
�Where was she?�
�She was at home.�
�Just not answering the phone?�
�Yup. She said she�s mad at me.�
�WHAT?�
He proceeded to tell me that she�d said she was too angry at him to talk to him, and suggested that we just move to my mom�s. She said we had an unhealthy relationship, that we were starting our marriage off badly and would end up divorced, that she and his father were both alone and she didn�t understand why we weren�t worried about them. She told him she�d talked to Carla earlier in the week, and they�d both agreed that we were in a bad situation. She blathered on at him about all this for ten minutes, and then said, �But you aren�t in a place where you can talk about it, and I�m too angry to talk to you right now anyway,� and essentially hung up on him.
I was stunned. Now I understand the phrase �Seeing red,� because that�s what I was doing. I took three deep breaths before I could even speak, and when I did, all I could say was, �Your mother needs to get her own fucking life and stay the hell out of ours.�
We tried to talk about it and ended up fighting. I looked at him and shook my head. �I�m not angry with you! And I don�t want to fight with you! This is about your mom�not you and me. If you�re okay with the way things are, and I�m okay with the way things are, that�s all that matters.�
It�s been sitting there now for three days. He�s sick about it. She deliberately set out to hurt him, and he doesn�t know how to deal with that. She tried to use my best friend against me, a move that has seriously backfired on her. And now she�s sitting back and waiting for him to come crawling to her. Well, I�m sorry lady, but that isn�t going to happen.
I woke up at 4:00 this morning and sat in bed for the next two hours, considering what should come next. The way I see it, there are two separate issues here. The first is that if she has genuine concerns about our relationship, and she can�t avoid voicing them, she needs to do it in a constructive way, and she needs to respect our decisions and our privacy. We in no way need to justify our choices to her or to anyone else. No one but us leads our lives, no one but us has to look in our mirrors in the morning and get into our bed at night. And I have no intention of explaining myself to her, or of changing the way we do things because SHE thinks it�s better.
The other, more serious issue relates to how she handled this. She deliberately ignored him, let him worry about her for two days and then effectively ruined his holiday. She called Carla and put her in an awkward, uncomfortable position and then lied about their conversation. She attempted to manipulate the people around her who care about her, and she belittled my relationship with my mother and the effect David�s death had on all of us.
I called her this morning. Caught her totally off guard�she certainly didn�t expect to hear from ME. I told her that I didn�t know how she was feeling about things, but that I knew the Husband was just sick about it, and that something needed to be done. So I invited her to join us for coffee, either tonight or tomorrow, so we can talk about it. She got very silent, and then said, her voice shaking, �I think that would be a good idea, because there are some things that need to be discussed, things that people just aren�t getting, and I�m obviously very upset about it, as you can hear in my voice, so I think that�s a good idea.� Then she told me she was on her way to an appointment, but that she�d call him back and set up a time. I said, �He�s at work and has a really busy day. Why don�t you call me back�I�ve got no plans to go out.� She said okay and hung up fast.
I haven�t heard back from her.
So help me, she�s pushed too hard this time. I�m trying to keep in mind that she�s his mother, because I don�t want to overstep my own bounds, but I swear, if it was just up to me, this would be it.
He married me, lady. Accept it. He�s not just your son anymore�he�s my husband, and in a lot of ways, that comes first. It�s not that you think we aren�t building our family�you just don�t like that you aren�t at the center of it. And don�t even begin to compare your own destruction of your family unit and CHOICE to be alone with my mother�s husband�s sudden death less than a year ago, leaving her in a place she had no desire to be. That�s just wrong.
Everyone send a little prayer in our direction, would you? Pray for self-restraint on my part and divine intervention on hers. That�s the only thing that will help.
And if she doesn�t call at all? Well, that�s a pretty big fuck you in our direction, don�t you think? I won�t ask twice.
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