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You know what's really sad? AOL, Tool of Satan, won't let me see my own diary page. Oh, sure, it will load the logo, and show my whole left column with the links and stuff, but the actual entries--nowhere to be found. I don't understand. Except that it is a tool of the devil. There is that.
I should totally be asleep right now. I came home and crashed for half an hour, trying to convince my headache to go away, then got up to let Damon in. He and I had planned to order some chinese food and watch last week's Buffy, as we both missed it and wanted to be caught up before tomorrow night's new ep (Okay--so JOYCE IS BACK?! That is some messed up vision!! But I both digress and spoilerize, so I'll stop). I made it through the Buffy part, but opted only into the white rice portion of the chinese food. I didn't think, somehow, that crab rangoons and chicken fingers would sit well in my migraine-wracked system.
Now, of course, my headache is gone and I'm hungry. And it's 11:15, and I should be in bed. Go figure.
Anyway...
I got an email message from Phil this afternoon (hi, Phil, just in case you're reading this!). He and I chatted a bit back and forth, making some plans for where our newly-revised friendship will go from here, and I happened to mention that the Boyfriend had been asking me Phil-related questions the other night. When Phil asked me what I'd told him, I gave him the short version, most of which I had put up here the other day. The Boyfriend already knew who Phil was, but I reminded him that we'd been very good friends for a long time, and that I truly don't believe I would have survived through that summer without him.
After Phil read my email, he answered me back, saying that he hadn't realized he'd been that important to me. He said, "I just thought we were two dorks, sponging around."
Well, that was true, too. But it made me sad to realize that he didn't know how important our friendship was to me.
I really need to let the people in my life know that I love them and am glad that they're here...
I do that all the time. Or, rather, don't do that. I let people drift in and out of my life without telling them how much I value them.
I don't know why that is. There are only a handful of people around that I can say, "I love you" to without flinching or building up an extra layer of courage first.
And they're people I should have no trouble sharing it with. People who KNOW that already, but whom I'm sure would like to hear it once in a while.
Note to self--work on that.
Yes, the Boyfriend is one of those people. Of course, sometimes I need to remind myself that I feel that way anyway.
This weekend, I stood in my mom's kitchen and bitched about him for a good ten minutes. I was annoyed with the way he dressed cut his hair talked asked me questions chewed his food discussed our wedding plans with our friends dealt with his mom dismissed my concerns about the bridesmaid dresses insisted on my joining them to look at tux jackets put demands on my time and breathed through the movie.
She waited until I was finished and then said, "you know, it's only going to get worse between now and the wedding."
Over the past few days, countless people have told me that in the few months just before their weddings, they decided that their bethrothed was an awful person whom they couldn't imagine spending the rest of their lives with at least once.
I haven't quite reached that point yet. But I did look at him the other night and think, "I don't know that I can eat every day next to a man who chews like that."
He's always chewed this way. It's never bothered me before.
By last night, it didn't bother me again. But right in that moment, it was almost, as David would have said, a relationship breaker.
Why does getting engaged make you irrational?!
I know, too, that on top of the regular, run of the mill wedding planning stress, we've been thrown a giant curve ball with the whole father-of-the-bride-dying-during-the-wedding-plans thing and all...I know that can't be good for me.
Some days, I just need an extra reminder, is all.
But he takes it in stride. I give him credit for that. He manages, when push comes to shove, to say and do the right things, the ones that diffuse my anger and moodiness and remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place.
Which is good, because then he turns around and sends me to the wrong mall to watch him try on tux jackets, causing me to look at the Mr. Tux salesgirl when she says, "is this a fitting for a wedding?" and have me answer, "well, it WAS..."
But in the end, I still can't imagine doing anything BUT plan a wedding. Because at the other end of the wedding is the marriage. And that part will be worth it.
I'm holding on to that.
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< game called on account of headache | Tired. And pissed. Oh, and tired. >
