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So it�s been an odd week, I have to say.
Friday night, the Boyfriend and I went to my mom�s for dinner. Di and Erik came down, too, so we would get a chance to celebrate with them. That part was really good. Di and I are very close in age (a month and a day apart), so our whole lives, we were put together, but we didn�t really like each other much when we were younger. It wasn�t until we got to be whatever passes for adults in our lives that we became friends, and I�m so glad we have. Dinner was good, and the visit was the kind where it gets late and you have no idea how it got to be that time.
Saturday morning, we got up and headed back into the city to meet the Boyfriend�s mom, dad and sister for the Boston Pops concert. Betsy bought us all tickets last year, and decided it should be a tradition. I had been a bit grumpy about going, as Amy bought the tickets without really checking the date, and it�s being the weekend before Christmas, I had many things to do. Once we got to Symphony Hall, though, that grumpiness disappeared. How could it not?
The music was beautiful without exception. So beautiful that in places it hurt to listen to it. Several times throughout the program, I came close to tears.
The most fun thing about the Christmas Pops, though, is watching the kids. Not the kids like the ones behind us, who were more interested in the chips and salsa than the music, and who talked through the whole program, but the kids like the little girls at the table next to ours, all dressed up for the occasion. One couldn�t have been more than three, sitting on her mom�s lap, quiet through the whole show except where Keith invited us to sing along, and when Santa came in. Her eyes got wider and wider and wider, surprise, disbelief, awe, excitement all reflected on her face.
Her sister, who was probably about seven, sat at the front of the table. She�d turned her chair around so she could see the stage and never once turned back. She sat, enthralled, through the whole performance. At one point, I looked and she had her eyes closed and was conducting along with the music. I wanted to go over and tell her parents how much I enjoyed watching her enjoy the show, but I wasn�t certain they�d take it in the right way, so I just smiled at them as they left.
From there, we went on a whirlwind shopping expedition. I still had about eight gifts to buy, and only Saturday afternoon to buy them in, so I was a woman on a mission. We hit five different stores in three and a half hours. Finally, the Boyfriend looked at me and in a weak voice said, �Can we get some lunch?� I felt like Grace in this season�s premiere episode, �We�re like sharks. All we do is shop and poop, shop and poop.� Out of a desire to keep him from collapsing on me, though, I gave in on the lunch thing.
We didn�t get back to my house until after 5. At that point, he went to take a nap, while I hit the kitchen to mix up cookie batter. I should have gone for the nap.
I was making the dough for chocolate snaps, but was too tired to be doing anything kitchen-related. Instead of a half-cup of brown sugar and one and a half cups of white sugar, I put in half a cup of white and a cup and a half of brown. After I swore and threw myself around, I stopped and thought, �Okay, who could tell me if these cookies are worth baking, or if I screwed the recipe up irreparably?�
There�s only one person I could think of who would know the answer to that kind of question.
Nana.
Nana would have been able to tell me easily. But I can�t call her.
I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried.
That�s where the Boyfriend found me.
He came out, packed all my stuff into his car and directed me out the door and into the passenger seat.
We were supposed to go to his friend Joe�s party in about an hour. I really, really, really didn�t want to go.
The whole way back to the condo, we argued about it. Well, argued is maybe not the right word. We discussed. We discussed why I didn�t want to go, and my attitude toward his friends in general and why it was important to him that we did go to the party. Finally, I agreed to go, but he agreed that we�d leave by 11.
Back at the condo, I took off my sweatshirt and went to wash my face. Looking in the mirror, I found that only my right ear held an earring. The left was conspicuously bare.
These earrings weren�t mine. Mom had lent them to me that morning to wear to the Pops. They were costume jewelry, but nice. She�d bought them in the hospital gift shop the week before as a �my treatment is over� gift to herself. And I had lost one.
That pretty much pushed me over the edge.
When the Boyfriend came back in, I was sitting on the floor again, crying again. When he asked what was wrong, a torrent of words poured out at him.�
�I lost my mom�s earring and it was a brand new earring that she just got last week she bought it as a present to herself to celebrate the end of her treatment and it�s not that they were really expensive and it�s not that I can�t probably replace it but still I should have been more careful with them and I can�t believe this my whole afternoon has gone wrong I lost the damn earring and I screwed up my cookies and I forgot to make the sangria for Joe�s party but it�s probably better that I didn�t because I�d probably just poison everyone at the rate I�m going��
It was silent in the bathroom for a moment, other than the sound of my shaky breaths.
Finally he looked at me. �Why don�t you stay here and go to bed, and I�ll go to Joe�s by myself.�
I blew my nose. �No, if you give me about four minutes, I�ll be ready to go.�
�No, Jennifer, I think you should stay here and get some sleep. It�s okay.�
�You�re just afraid I�ll be mean to everyone.�
He smiled and hugged me. �No, I just think it will be better for you to stay here. You seem a little too tired right now. I�ll give everyone your regrets.�
He went to the party alone. I went to bed at 9:30.
It was best for everyone.
I�m not certain when I hit fragile this holiday season, but I definitely have been proceeding with some very breakable edges. Feeling weepy for the slightest suggestion of a reason. Short-tempered except when I�ve gotten huge amounts of sleep. Tired all the time. These are not good things.
Not that I�m not looking forward to tonight, or to tomorrow. I am. But it�s more of a relief that we�ve gotten to today than it should be.
But I�m feeling very lucky, and very thankful. I have so many really wonderful things in my life, and wonderful people to share them with.
I need to keep that in mind.
In that light, let me wish you all a very merry Christmas, Diaryland! I�m happy to share this holiday with you all.
This is one of the things I�m thankful for�the power to express myself, the freedom to do so, the place to make it happen, people who care what I have to say. These are all extraordinarily good things.
I hope this day finds you all well. And many happy returns of the day!
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