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Last night, when I climbed into bed next to my already sleeping husband, I closed my eyes but stayed awake for a long time. I thought about the news of Heidi and Todd�s marriage. I thought about Amy and Lon�s wedding. And I thought about the man lying next to me, whose life I have chosen to link inextricably to mine.
I told my mother last week, after we returned from Amy�s wedding, that I thought it should be required somehow for every married couple to attend at least one wedding each year, that witnessing the marriage process, hearing someone else take the same vows (or, at least vows with the same underlying meaning), goes a very long way toward reminding the listener of the seriousness and solemnity of those vows. It strikes home once again that you have pledged yourself to someone else. �What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder.�
A quick Google search informs me that 43% of all American marriages end in divorce within the first 15 years. The amount of other �information� that comes up on a search of �divorce statistics� is equally as scary. Almost none of it seems to be related to encouraging people to stay married.
It�s very easy to get a divorce in modern America. You can even �begin your divorce online� because �divorce doesn�t have to be difficult.� I say shame on them. And shame on that. It shouldn�t be that easy.
Not that I think Heidi should be trapped in an unhappy marriage with a man she doesn�t want to be with. Nor do I think that people who stay in a marriage �for the kids� are doing it for the right reasons. You stay for your kids and you teach your children that you should put yourself last and that it�s okay to settle for being unhappy, as long as you don�t rock the boat. That�s not what I think at all.
In truth, I think the problem isn�t with how easy it is to get divorced, but rather how easy it is to get *married*. It�s not like there�s an exam associated with getting the license. You don�t have to take a marriage preparation class, or get certified in being a spouse. All you have to do is prove you don�t have syphilis and be willing to fork over the cost of the license*.
By the time the Husband and I exchanged those aforementioned vows, we�d been through a lot of crap together. I turned 32 on our honeymoon. He was 31. We�d dated, broken up, and found our way back together. We�d dealt with the death of two grandparents and a parent together. We�d talked about just about everything we�d ever done�details of our lives that seemed insignificant until we mentioned them and they sparked a whole new discussion. We�d pulled out the flashlight and used it to illuminate the not-so-pretty corners of our histories�rape, abortion, alcoholism, depression. By the time we said our I do�s, we were both confident that the person on the other side of that veil was someone we really wanted to wake up next to, �til death do us part.
Not everyone is that lucky. Some people are fooled into feeling that their partners think their spontaneity is charming and fun, only to find two years down the line that they actually find it to be an annoying and difficult deal-breaker. Some people walk into a marriage knowing their partners don�t want kids, figuring they�ll change their minds once they�ve celebrated a couple anniversaries. Some people look at their betrothed and think, �Oh well. He�ll do for now.�
Know your partner. That�s all I�m saying. Know that the person you pledge your life to�and make no mistake about it, that�s what marrying someone means�is the person you really want to grow old with. Examine that idea not in the dimly lit romantic veil of a wedding but in the harsh bare-bulb light of a marriage, and be sure that it�s one you feel comfortable embracing. Because once you�ve been married for a year or two or ten or fifty, standing at someone else�s wedding and hearing those vows should make you seek out your spouse�s gaze and smile that secret, just-between-you smile.
* Someone recently told me that the syphilis blood test has recently been abolished in Massachusetts. I hope that�s true. Because there are much more important things to check for before a wedding these days, and the syphilis test seems awfully antiquated. I took my blood test, and voluntarily signed the release to be tested for AIDS. Not because I thought I was HIV positive, but because on the miniscule chance that somewhere along the line something snuck into my bloodstream, I�d want to know�and I�d want HIM to know--before I walked down the aisle. I think it�s only fair.
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